not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize