When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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