I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
