..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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