Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
