The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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