omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
