I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize