I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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