You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
