Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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