So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
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