she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
