just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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