I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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