see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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