The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Randomize
