i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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