burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
