I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
