I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
be right there i have to get my cape
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
