Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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