I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
