I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
