Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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