Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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