Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
My balls are so social today.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
