help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I have already put on my inside pants.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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