is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
