i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
