I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
