like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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