I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
