his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
we're making bets on your personal life
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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