My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
