dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
