Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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