True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
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