Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
