I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
