I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
