Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
