So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
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