When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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