How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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