Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
