You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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