'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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