I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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