Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
