meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
