I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
