Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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