There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
