you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
