remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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